There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She bit a glass in half.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
