really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
