i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
