Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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