those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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