dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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