32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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