Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
