I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
