meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
