I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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