Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
