well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she told me i tasted like america
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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