can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
