Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What a dumb baby whore.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
