Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
