fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
