A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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