Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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