Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
