we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
