you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My penis needs a shock collar
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize