party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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