Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
