tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
