i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
