Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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