Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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