Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
