i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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