dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
