Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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