your parents love me but you hate me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
