I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
