i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have already put on my inside pants.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
