I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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