Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
