is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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