I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
