it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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