My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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