i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
4 words: hood of his car
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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