What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
