my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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