I am puke
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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