this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
