your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
