how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
