remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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