i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
