Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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