If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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