he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
