i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
