they need to just BURY HIM!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
