think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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