yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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