When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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