I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
