Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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