i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
